Carle Jasmin (Image : AI / Gay Globe)
Among gay men, aging can be an important source of anxiety, while their relationship with age is often compared to Dorian Gray syndrome, which is a term used in psychology to describe an excessive preoccupation with aging and the loss of youth, accompanied by a sometimes very strong desire to preserve a youthful appearance.
The name refers to the character Dorian Gray, in Oscar Wilde’s novel The Picture of Dorian Gray, whose face remains young while his portrait ages in his place.
Among gay men
The concept is sometimes used in discussions about aging among gay men, particularly because physical appearance, youth and desirability can occupy an important place in certain homosexual social environments. But caution is necessary: “Dorian Gray syndrome” is not an official psychiatric diagnosis recognized as such.
It is rather a clinical and sociopsychological concept that may overlap with other issues, such as body dysmorphia, anxiety related to aging or an excessive dependence on appearance.
But not all men suffer from anxiety related to aging, quite the contrary. I met Michel R., 62, who told me about his life journey and explained to me why growing older no longer worries him.
Michel’s story
» What is strange about me, unlike many gay men, is that my fear of aging appeared very early. From the age of 18, while I was facing a difficult life, my appearance occupied a very important place. My hair was becoming thinner and thinner in my twenties and, from the beginning of that period, I tended to use all kinds of treatments to try to preserve it. I even put creams that were far too greasy around my eyes, whereas today, when I look at photos from that time, I realize that I had very beautiful eyes.
I was never a natural beauty, a “handsome guy,” and whatever attractiveness I thought I had to offer, I felt I had to preserve for as long as possible. The years went by and, in my thirties, I began to worry about what I would become as I grew older.
With hindsight, I realize today that this anxiety and fear of aging were not really related to age, but rather to the life I was leading: insecurity, worries and the difficulties I was facing. That was the real problem. Age ultimately had nothing to do with my personal situation.
What is paradoxical, though, is that when I was younger, I had a very hard time having sexual relationships with other young men my age. Yet the older I became, the more I discovered that the younger men who interest me increasingly seek the company of mature men. I have never been as popular as I am at 62! I never thought I would come to this realization!
What is also interesting about my aging — and I obviously cannot speak for everyone — is that as my life progressed, with degrees, accomplishments, personal and professional achievements, the more things became stable in my life: finances, assets, investments and values. And the less aging worried me. I am probably the perfect example of the effect that a fulfilling life can have on anxiety related to age.
I can say that, despite certain health problems specifically related to age, I do not suffer from any fear of growing older. I know very well that I am on a downward slope, that this is the nature of things, but that does not stop me from loving life,” Michel says, giving me numerous examples of his accomplishments, which are certainly no small achievement!
Meeting Michel did me good. I am myself at an age when I am beginning to experience certain concerns about my appearance and my romantic and sexual performance. I hope that his positive account of growing older will inspire others.
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