Roger-Luc Chayer
One of the most taboo topics in both the gay community and society at large is the problem of finding oneself with a sexually transmitted infection and having to tell it to one’s sexual partner (s). Indeed, some contract diseases such as gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia or herpes by having unprotected sex, sometimes with several partners, but others can contract with a single infidelity or worse, contract one of their spouse, whom they believed to be faithful.
It is a terrible moral problem that can break not only a friendship but also a life of a couple. Of course, far from me judging or giving a moral opinion about fidelity in the couple or responsible behavior when we have multiple partners, this is absolutely not my intention. The question is: How to tell partners or spouse that we have an STI?
Even as I thought about it for several days, I could not find a diplomatic or logical way to do it. So I turned to social workers from organizations working precisely in the protection and prevention of STIs, and I also found interesting answers to a CLSC in Montreal. Essentially, there is no typical way to proceed. It should be noted that sexually transmitted diseases are « mandatory reporting ». In the law, a person who knows that he or she has an STI, who has unprotected sex and who is not being treated can be held criminally responsible for the spread that it does, but also the damage it causes. Same thing in civil matters. A person who contracts an STD and who knows the source can sue the donor for physical and mental harm. Well, easy to say, but who would do that? Even in 2018, they are still shameful diseases contracted during times considered confidential.
On the Government of Quebec site, Itss.gouv.qc.ca, we offer a host of ways to proceed when it comes time to notify our partners. In person, by phone or by e-mail, we even offer examples of messages to send to avoid panicking those who receive them. For those who do not manage to do so, often by shame, we even offer the services of a doctor or medical staff who can contact partners and inform them of their possible infection while keeping anonymous the identity of whoever could have transmitted it to them.
As for the very complex issue of living as an exclusive couple and learning that one of the partners is infected with an STI, there is no miracle solution to announce it. Gay Globe has polled, consulted sites sexologists or health and unanimity, it is absolutely necessary to prevent the other partner so that he can be tested and possibly be treated but what seems to prevent people to do it is the risk of breaking the relationship. Let’s be clear, if your spouse tells you that he is faithful and that he gives you a gono, do you really want this spouse in whom you may not be trusted anymore? The question becomes moral and it is a decision that can only be taken alone.